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How to Pretend Like You Know Stuff About Art: A Guide

by Kennedy Rooke

Do you ever go to a museum or gallery to see some cool new exhibit, ready to absorb the art into your being, hopefully to become a more cultured and intelligent person, only to remember your sorry ass doesn’t know much about art and you are sure to embarrass yourself? I know the feeling and fear not, I have here compiled a helpful Dos and Don’ts for you to impress fellow museum-goers and hopefully not make a fool of yourself. 

DO

1. Stop every three or four paintings, sculptures, or whatever other forms of art you’re checking out, and just kind of stare for at least two full minutes. Squint your eyes a bit and rest your hand on your chin inquisitively. Then move up real close and adjust your glasses (you should definitely be wearing glasses even if you don’t need them) as you take one last hard look and move on to the next piece! 

2. Make up a fake art degree and talk really loudly about it. Say something like, “We talked about this in my contemporary art class which is a real class that I am definitely enrolled in.” 

3. Take drugs before going so you can totally trip totally have really insightful ideas, dude. TRUST ME, there’s nothing people love more than listening to super insightful totally original ideas from a stoned person. 

4. Post a picture of the exhibit on Instagram because if you left your house for this but didn’t post about it, did it really even happen? This is 2016, you have a public image to keep up. 

Probably should be of this caliber.

5. Tell passers-by that you’re writing a think-piece about the exhibit and you want their opinion. This is great because it catches them off guard so they feel less informed and you look even smarter! 

6. Talk about your experience at every party or social gathering you go to for the next three weeks.

7. Take meme-able close ups of the art work. Makes you seem hip and smart!

DON’T: 

1. Flirt with the security guards. If you have to, be discreet. 

2. Intentionally or accidentally knock anything over. You don’t want to be on the hook for a $600,000 sculpture that looks like it came from the house in Beetlejuice. 

3. Take selfies with the art. Let’s be honest, no one wants to look at your face when there are more important things to concentrate on (ART). ·

4. Stage an elaborate, Mona Lisa-level heist and run off with a piece of art under your coat. Or…do! Why not? It would make a great story. 

Hopefully these tips and tricks make you seem like a smart person who is also very hip and cool and you get lots of dates, because really that’s the goal, right?

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